8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
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KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit