8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Breaking news:
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.