8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
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I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”