8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Spa day..😅
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.