8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
🤣dope
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.