8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
You Might Also Like
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!