8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs