8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
this is uni
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?