8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
And bowling should be called pinball
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My favorite type of men is ramen.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The three genders.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
