8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
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Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.