8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
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*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair