8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
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when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids