8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
You Might Also Like
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit