8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.