8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret