8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*