8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong