8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*