8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine