8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time