8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
im all 3
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it