8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*