8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.