8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Raisins are grape jerky.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
why I oughta
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.