[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
fixed it
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
pelicons
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Buck naked
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”