80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute