80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
wtf is a larm clock?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police: