8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

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[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.



Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did


[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*


If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”


Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game


[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””


I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.


Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there