8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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the three best gummy flavors, together at last
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
But that’s none of my business
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
At least try to make it slightly believable
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.