[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there