8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
this is the greatest thing ever
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!