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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
im 7 sauces long
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship