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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?