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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Pandas 🐼🖤
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.