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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Before & after 😅
❤️❤️❤️
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.