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Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.