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Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
👾👾👾
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
🔦🌙👣
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?