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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.
No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.