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Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
A small tragedy.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then