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Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
real
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.