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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?