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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?