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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.