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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
🤣🤣🤣
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines