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My good tweets are in my other pants.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.