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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.