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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.