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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Brother?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.