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2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My flabber has been gasted.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Wikigenius
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd