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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.