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Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
This cat wants you to take your pills
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.