83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.


You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.


I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.


This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.


Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.


me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year


Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.


I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.


I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies


I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.