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Mad Max: Furry Road
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
You better watch out
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Who.
Did.
This?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.