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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Noah was an idiot.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.